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They say that the Denim Jean is the modern Girls' version of the dreaded CORSET !! Now a corset to those uneducated in the art of being fat ..... is an article of torture, (I mean an article of clothing) that is used to compress one's excess adipose tissue into some semblance of order.!!

How well I remember that awful corset my Dear Departed Mum once wore .... I still have the circular tube in which the corset arrived from Her Majesty's Haberdashery in London !!

It was made of firm cardboard, rather like those cylinders in which one keeps ones posters. Measuring about two feet long and about six inches in diameter and it is perfect as a knitting needle container, hence the reason we have kept it for the last fifty years !

There is a lovely picture of a damsel, really quite a curvaceous lady, constricted in this sheath of teflon (well they did't have teflon in those days) cast iron rubber more likely ... but it was an "all in one" job fitting from under the arms to just above the knee !!

How anyone walked in those contraptions is a miracle and how horrendous they must have been on a hot Rhodesian summers' day !!

Perhaps the idea the Playtex Golden Girdle or the "two-way" as Mum used to call it, was to make one melt into a smaller dress size !!

"Full Playtex control with the comfort of cloth lining" reads the tube !! "Keeps its shape and yours wear after wear" it continues.

Well perish the thought .... It was made of pure rubber !!

it was an article of torture that could have been used in the dark ages along with the thumb screw and the rack !!

However Mum was convinced that anything that painful had to be good for you and make you look like the model on the cylindrical tube !!

But getting back to the Denim Jeans which is a lot more civilized for curtailing the flesh .... Mine were called bootleggers which means the are a tiny bit flared around the ankle to balance the bottom underneath. No hipsters for me as hipsters allow a lot of adipose to pop out over the top of the garment.

I had not worn them for a while but as I had just lost 2 kgs and was having a "slim day" I struggled into said denims looking and feeling a lot like Mum used to look and feel I suppose all those years ago !!

It was a bit of a struggle, but not too onerous and eureka, the button actually closed without too much trouble.

Oooh, "look at that" I thought admiringly , standing sideways in my full length mirror, quite a slim silhouette around those usually ample hips !! HeeHoo would undoubtedly have some admiring comment I was quite certain of that....

On with a slinky top and with thoughts of heading off to supper, I knew I would not be able to eat much as there was little room left, but as long as the button did not shoot off under the tremendous strain it was under, I was safe in Mr Levi's amazingly strong cloth !!

Oh, but what was that strange feeling, I could not lower my arms to my side !! There was something there restricting my movement. Did I perhaps have a jersey tucked in to the jeans by mistake. Searching cautiously (just in case) I could find nothing except two great mounds of flesh which had popped up over the top of the waist band and formed a great sausage roll under each arm !!

Rather reminiscent of those Bentley Belts we used put on our children when they were learning to swim, it even made my arms stick out to the side in a most incongruous way....

I knew we were contemplating dining Chinese, and the wearing of my "modern Girls' Corset" would be unwise because the art of holding chopsticks might be hampered considerably by these two giant doughnuts under each arm, and I certainly could not keep my elbows from "flying" as Mum had taught us gently.

She used to put her best Doulton china saucers under our arms to teach us to keep our elbows to our sides during fine dining lessons and would use the back of her hairbrush to tan our hides if we dared to let the fine precious china fall !!

How avoirdupois was this strange aliphatic feeling ?

I was shattered, gutted, Falstaffian ...... Oh well off with that slinky top, these modern fabrics are far too clingy and show every lump and pinguid bump. Several tops later decided that tee shirting and trilobel were all far too tell tale and candid to be used, and settled for a vast loose floral cotton top that artfully concealed all the corpulent parts !!

It was quite a clever little outfit as the volume at the top (or so I thought) made the volume at the bottom look quite slim and trim, something only saponification could really do !!

Mutter mutter ....... how I hated Twiggy in those day, its all her fault, mutter mutter.

Poor Mum how she must have suffered all those lipoidal tears ago.

Oh well, I shall just have to comfort myself with some extra spring rolls and sweet and sour pork with plum sauce.

Written by SheeHoo Must Diet !!