THE PRIVY COUNCIL          - 7/ 9/ 2004      <--Prev : Next-->

It would appear that Australians and Americans have different posteriors to we Zimbabweans.....

Now this is rather a delicate topic ....... but for years now, going way back to the sixties, we folk in Zimbabwe, upon visiting our "comfort stations" have been exposed to an unusual type of loo paper......

It all began in the days of sanctions before the dreaded UDI days.

Before that our rear ends were pampered and spoilt, just like every one else's the world over. But when sanctions came, we were a resilient bunch and our manufacturers very wisely began to "save paper" They began to use recycled paper (?) waste paper (?) heaven forbid !!!

Bright pink, blue and green toilet tissue of dubious quality replaced the soft silky loo paper of the past and we, in our patriotic fervour, naturally accepted this assault on our buttocks.

After all it has saved the country countless millions in forex thus allowing us to spend our booty on more important imported items.

And think of how many trees we have saved, I mean after all, what did one use for this most necessary application before the invention of toilet tissue?

Trees are important, foreign currency is important, but hang on, how much longer are we going to have to subject our derrieres to this peculiar sort of torture.?

Apart from the fact that this abrasive item clogs the loos, it also dyes our unmentionables a strange colour !! How I love to visit more affluent countries where the loo paper is downy soft, printed with delicate dolphins or roses and you don't need twenty yards of the stuff with which to do the necessary !!

It was the visiting offspring who brought it to my attention, I mean after all one gets used to wartime spartan living doesn't one?

A deputation of little girls, visitors from far off climes, approached mother with fists full of US and Aussie dollars and suggested that they would be in charge of the loo tissue purchasing in the future, for at least the duration of their visit !!

They told me in no uncertain terms that their sweet little pink callipygian cheeks had become used to being pandered to, and that no more were they going to subject their Australian and American butts to this peculiar brand of Zimbabwe torture...

And so we sallied forth to the store with the imported goods, the store where one needs one's BIG cheque book, and there it was. The quilted quality loo paper that thrifty, miserly Mum had always refused to put in her shopping trolly.

Four times the cost of the local loo rolls, it screamed at me from the bottom (No pun intended) of the trolly, I had to rip the price tag off the minute we got home in the fear that anyone would see just how much we were spending on the stuff.

But the girls were happy thank goodness. They told me in no uncertain terms that their sweet little cheeks had become used to being pandered to, and that their suitcases would, in future, contain only soft luxurious loo rolls when they next come home for the holidays !!

Come on Zimbabwe tissue pundits, why not let us be privy to your secrets, let us into your closet, why be the butt of our jokes, get with it and give us a break !!