SPAS AND PAINTED TOENAILS

SheHoo Must Sing and I were treated by Daddy to an afternoon at a Spa in Sandton as an addendum to the birthday gift ! As you may know, the word spa is the acronym for salus per aqua, Latin meaning "good health through water." It was an absolute revelation to a Third Worlder especially one with socialist leanings !!

But what a glorious few hours we had. The Saxon Hotel in Johannesburg is quite the swankiest place you have ever seen. There were no less than four gloved and morning suited security guards between the heavily fortified gate and the parking garage, and then a sleek merc arrived to collect us at the garage to drive us the fifty meters or so to the spa. Even the gardeners seemed to be dressed Saville Row !!

My jaw was hanging at the beautifully elegant decor and SheHoo Must Sing, who is more worldly than I, told me to stop gawping and look as though I was born to such magnificence !! SheHoo Must Sing was obviously born to this Babylonian Lifestyle, took it in her stride and strode through the foyer as though she owned the establishment !! I ambled along behind her trying to maintain a "To the Manor Born" haughty sneer !!

We were ushered into this tranquil sanctuary of beauty and cosseting, by the most beautiful woman you have ever seen, all the while welcoming us and discussing in low svelte tones about our promised "Treatment Journey" . I hoped and prayed I would look like her when I emerged several hours later !!

Mint tea was served in china cups while we filled in a dossier more comprehensive than one is faced with at a doctors surgery and we were ushered into a dressing room, where we had to "bare all" and slip on pre-warmed thick-pile, fluffy cotton gowns and slippers. The Saxon Spa Signature Therapies are many but we had opted for a Swedish Massage for SheHoo and a Deep Tissue Muscle Massage for my aching bones.

The room I was taken to boasted dimmed seductive lighting, the soothing scent of jasmine filled the air and I was transported to a place I had never been before. A compilation of pampering and bullying as this diminutive little lady pummeled and cudgeled my not inconsiderable girth into a quivering mass of jelly.

Reflexology followed while SheHoo Must Sing did the facial thing !! I was not about to allow these elegant and beautiful ladies to get to grips with my many years of harsh climatically induced wrinkles on my face - Oh No !! Feeling woozy and dozy after my body bashing, I was led gently to the steaming aromatic hot rock pool, where more self indulgence ensued as they plunged me from hot to cold and I could even feel those excess pounds of adipose falling like butter off my ample thighs and buttocks !!

We opted out of the mud wrestling, oh sorry I mean the mineral mud bath, I wondered vaguely how they changed the mud between various bodies !! The beautiful ladies assured me that their mud is high in mineral salts, curative properties, CO2, argonite, calcite and trace iron deposits," The mud was from a river valley formed by granite tectonic blocks, which created a rift valley. I hesitated to tell her that our water in Bulawayo looks like that frequently !

Words fell from the beautifully sculptured lips of the masseurs like " sound therapy, free flow, ritual and holistic". The spa offered an abundance of pampering such as Rhythm Massage, Rain of the Gods, Sensory Spa and Tasting Evenings, and Aroma Hot Stone Massage. The promise to return was beguiling, the only pre cursor being if HeeHoo's bank balance could maintain this style of life !!

Cosseted and coddled were were led off to champagne flutes and salmon canapes served on a silver salver, and with heads swatted in cashmere wraps, to a row of languorous luxurious sun loungers, where more torture ensued. SheHoo had recently returned from Mogadishu so her feet probably needed this foot buffering and bashing !! I am ticklish so it was not a very soothing experience, I must have looked like a writing worm, clad in my cuddly white robe as I jiggled and giggled through the agony of having ones feet rasped and razored until they felt like little soft baby feet. My toes were then embossed with bright cherry red lacquer, something that would possibly have been detected on Lady Gaga's toes !! And a similar fate awaited my hands and nails !!

The other spa clients were obviously used to this life of decadence and SheHoo Must Sing quietly handed me the brochure opened at the page entitled "Spa Etiquette" - obviously I was gaping again !!