Morning Mirror 31 - 10th December 2002 |
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NINETEEN THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME ALMOST 50 YEARS TO
LEARN Dave Barry has been at The Miami Herald since 1983. He won the Pulitzer Prize for commentary in 1988. Barry writes about various major issues relating to the international economy, the future of democracy, the social infrastructure and exploding toilets. 1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. 2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings." 3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness." 4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them. 5. And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle. 6 . You should not confuse your career with your life. 7. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously. 8. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy. 9. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance. 10. Never lick a steak knife. 11. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie. 12. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip. 13. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time. 14. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment. 15. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven. 16. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers. 17. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them. 8. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.) 19. Your friends love you anyway.
THE HISTORY OF SIGN LANGUAGE UNRAVELS Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured English soldiers. Without the middle finger it would be impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and therefore be incapable of fighting in the future. This famous weapon was made of the native English yew tree, and the act of drawing the longbow was known as "plucking the yew" (or "pluck yew"). Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated French, saying, "See, we can still pluck yew! PLUCK YEW!" Over the years some 'folk etymologies' have grown up around this symbolic gesture. Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say (like "pleasant mother pheasant plucker," which is who you had to go to for the feathers used on the arrows for the longbow), the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodental fricative 'F', and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute are mistakenly thought to have something to do with an intimate encounter. It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows that the symbolic gesture is known as "giving the bird". And yew all thought yew knew everything
POSITION: JOB DESCRIPTION: Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities. Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required. RESPONSIBILITIES: Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks. Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next. Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys and battery operated devices. Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst. Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product. Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility. POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT AND PROMOTION: PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE: WAGES AND COMPENSATION: When you die, you give them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more. BENEFITS:
ALADDIN - CHRISTMAS PANTOMIME On until Christmas Eve All proceeds to Bartley Memorial Block. This is one of the very few homes we have for the elderly and because of the many situations we have in our country right now, we depend upon the Bulawayo public to help us to bring some comfort to these precious people. Come and have a laugh, we all need one!!!!!! JOY TO THE WORLD The combined church choirs of four of the Hillside Churches will be performing a Christmas Cantata - Joy to the World by John Peterson - at each of the churches. Pat Pearce will be the conductor, and Rosemary Drayton will be at the organ. Do come and enjoy one of the performances - which last about an hour. The dates are: HUNTERS BALL Due to the fact that the Hunters Ball is now in Harare and most of us are unable to make there, we have decided we still need to have an end of season/year ball...so party time its going to be.. Date: 14 Dec 02 Spread the word..farmers are very welcome and so are our town supporters... RSVP - 29 November 02 FAMILY CHRISTMAS EVENING
Gayl Smythe THE SHOW OF THE YEAR !! End of year Dinner/show at the Nesbitt Castle
SITUATIONS VACANT 1) Maid wanted, preferable employer recommended, contact Esme 241091 JOB FOR A PHARMACIST IN BRISBANE A local pharmacist in Albury, also from RSA, is looking
to employ a pharmacist. Willing to sponsor someone from Southern Africa.
Let me know if you have anyone interested. GARDENER NEEDED Gardener needed mature man with pool experience, telephone 244304 Mrs Squair. FOR SALE We have two sets of swing gates, one set to fit a double garage, and the other an entrance gate. We have no need for these gates and think they would be worth $50 000 and $30 000 each set respectively. This money could then be donated to S.O.A.P. Our telephone number is: 245042 REFLEXOLOGY COURSE 1 Year part time CELL PHONE NEEDED Please help, a good friend of mine has been able to source a cell phone as a Christmas present for her son. The only problem now is the line. If you, or somebody you know is leaving the country and has an 011 or 091 line please consider her. She is will to pay for the line and is not fussed if it is pre-paid or contract. Please call Leighann on 011 - 630 - 953 New Postage Rates Local Letters 30 cents per 10 g
Mart & Lani Ross (Perth) are thrilled to
announce the arrival of our son, Michael Brian Ross born in Perth,
Australia on Monday the 9th of December 2002 at 19:24. Gareth and Cindy van Jaarsveldt have pleasure in announcing the birth of Megan Joy (9 1/2 lbs) on the 21st November. Malcolm Ross and Les Lacey who announced their engagement at the Totality of the Eclipse
We offer our sympathy to the families of the following : JACK BECK BETTY BOWER
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