WRETCHED WORMLESS WENCH          - 25/1/2010      <--Prev : Next-->


I had become quite fond of them, I have after all, fed them nurtured them, protected them, almost loved them for nearly six months.

And they were my "Mother's Day" gift from SheHoo- must -sing and in addition, my being a total greenie, I wanted very much to follow my new life motto and "Reduce, Re Use, and Recycle" !!

They arrived quite illegally via someone's hand luggage on a plane from Johannesburg. Imagine the consternation of the baggage handler had he chosen to open that particular piece of contraband !!

They were some 2kg of squirming squiggling little "Tigers", Reds" and "Dendras" all with magnificent South African blood stock, so my worm garden would undoubtedly be better than Gayes !!

The worm garden came with a full book of instructions, pretty scientific stuff. It did not take too long before HeeHoo- must -Fish came up with the perfect formula for vermicular success. But he said, carefully corroborated by HeeHoo, you do not have enough worms !!

Now I was in two minds as to whether or not to believe them .... did they have an ulterior motive? Were they taking such a keen interest in my Mother's Day gift because of some deeper more sinister reason. ? Could it possibly be that they coveted my beautiful long athletic worms for their fishing trips perchance ???

So off I went to a local worm harvester and purchased ten thousand extra local "tigers" "reds" and "dendras" and when I introduced the Zimbabwean worms to the South African worms, there erupted, horrors of horrors, a vermiivorous massacre, there was distinct xenophobia in the worm can !!

Happily once they sorted out their nematodal cross- border differences, a life of serenity settled on the Farm.

My little Can of Worms was undoubtedly the best fed can on the block. Only the very best veggie peels, the sweetest outer lettuce leaves, succulent curly potato peels, a touch of mealy meal now and again, and those slim little fellows became fine, well fed, fat worms, and their only job in life was to eat the kitchen scraps and make worm manure for Mother !!

As the big bream fishing tournament approached the Boys began to cast long, longing looks at my Worm Tank. They were distinctly scathing about my little family and my desire to "save the planet" by recycling all my kitchen scraps.

"Leave the Kyoto Protocol to those Al Gores in their tiny New York apartments with their two pot plants", they said with a gleam in their eyes, just how much good is a cup of worm wee a week on your gigantic garden !!

But Just yesterday HeeHoo- Must - Fish took a vested interest in my worms and came over at my urgent bidding to investigate a distinct lethargy in the ranks.

There was the problem it was obvious, and with heavy annelided glances at each other, the Fishing Boys made an instant diagnosis...... maggots, mounds of nasty quivering crawling maggots had invaded my happy little home, it looked like the Normandy Invasion all over again.

Munch munch they went mawkishly over my benevolent worm farm, causing armageddon as they marched. From whence did they come? I thought maggots came from meat, what had we been eating ?

I vowed to wash every single thing in permanganate of potash again as we did during the cholera scare.....

And so back to the book, over came the resident Worm Doctor, lifted up my precious Can O' Worms, to find a veritable Dam O' Worms !!

This Worm Harvesting is not all it is cracked up to be trust me ! "Don't overfeed them" warns the book !! But hey, that's why I got them in the first place - to eat, reuse, recycle and reduce !!

Now a well brought up Matabele girl can cope with wriggly worms with dexterity, but no self respecting Matabele can deal with a bunch of motley, miserable maggots !!

I am not so sure now if I am going to consider my carbon worm footprint in future .... in fact I am thinking very seriously about donating my twenty thousand little squirmy, squiggly friends to those Ferocious Fishermen after all .....