YOU KNOW WHERE YOU WERE BORN IF ...
- 19/7/2011 <--Prev : Next-->
You carried your Madison's in your shirt sleeve.
You can still remember Sally Donaldson's voice.
You failed your driver's licence first time.
You saw "Grease" more than three times.
You drank sweet wine on holiday in South Africa.
You still wear vellies without socks.
You think the youth of today could do with a stint in the army.
You miss the smell of rain on a hot, tar road.
You miss Christmas by the pool...
You horrify people by eating raw, dried meat.
You horrify other Zimbos by cooking boerewors "to death".
You horrify other Zimbos by first pricking boerewors...
You coveted a Raleigh "chopper" bicycle.
You got a "Rebel" instead of a "chopper".
You still secretly think that day scholars were pampered mommies boys.
You still secretly think that boarders were uncouth rabble.
You smoked at the back of the bus coming back from an away rugby match.
You secretly peed in the communal bath after a rugby game at Falcon College!!!
You wondered if there were urine detecting chemicals in the public swimming pool.
You took driving lessons in an Anne Hunter Anglia in Bulawayo.
Your doctor is younger than you are.
You offend people with with your honesty.
You still think Laurie Wilmot a cad of the first degree.
You still own some Springbok Hits LP's.
You still pee on the lawn at night.
You bought a dishwashing machine soon after leaving Zim !!!
You blame the dog / the cat / the kids / the wife for your farts.
You carved your name on a famous landmark in Zim.
You stole the toilet paper out the ladies loo somewhere.
You ever parked a tiger on a train.
You can remember who John Love, Ray Amm, Peter Prinsloo and Mike Ferreria were!
You are mid to late 30/40/50 something...
You chatted up a farmer's daughter at a Country Club get together - with one eye on her Dad.
You failed miserably, then tried his wife - with both eyes on him.
You miss the Kaya Nyama's pepper and mushroom sauces and seedy, bead-veiled alcoves, and thought that choosing your own cut from the glass case was the height of sophistication.
You did wheelies on the Enterprise Road outside Gremlin's (in my case - in a Police Land Rover)!
You almost lost the family jewels on the rock slide at Mermaid's Pool
You spat from your bedroom window at Monomotapa onto the pool deck and ducked your head in quick.
You can still sing "Ach pleeez Daddy" and the "Harmony" song.
You believed Kenny Cantor (Ye canna buy better than Mrs McGreggor) actually WAS a famous UK comedian.
You can recite every word from the "Lexington" cigarettes commercial.
You actually miss the brown house brick we were assured WAS bread.
You questioned a resolute Tickey Bandit about his parentage.
You played "Bezant" at midnight, full of Castle, and ended up in a rockery.
You whinged to the waiter at Caribbea Bay at the outrageous price of their beers (30c) during the Tigerfish Competition.
You tried smoking green, native "Gwayi" wrapped in toilet paper in sheer desperation after running out of Red Madisons four days into a 10-day patrol.
You ended your sales pitch at Le Coq D'or at 11pm with "I suppose a ****'s out the question" - and still scored.
You injected Cane spirit into a pocket of oranges to beat the booze ban at the Rugby at the Police grounds.
You bought an appalling "kudu" copper clock "very cheap" shaped with the outline of Zim from a Greek store and still have it in your spare room.
You swear you knew someone who knew someone who caught a 1000lb vundu at Kariba Dam wall with a tractor tyre and a 3' hook baited with a pig.
You kept your green issue underpants and wore them until they either fell off, or your mom threw them out one day when you were out.
You promised faithfully to meet the "gang" at precisely noon 10/15/20 years "from now" for a reunion, and haven't heard from them since.
Despite everything, you have survived and still find some things funny and value what you had all those years ago!
You still refer to toilet paper as 'bog roll,
You can still name all the members of The Shadows.
You got a speeding ticket trying to make the border by 6 PM.
You always stopped at the Doll's House roadhouse in Joburg when traveling from Zim to the South Coast.
You still carry a comb in your sock.
You drooled over a Cortina GT. (The one with the round, tri- part tail lights)
You greatly lusted after a Ford Capri.
You make no attempt to speak Afrikaans in SA or Enkeldoorn.
You did not bother with the paper in army issue rat packs...
You sang rude or witty words instead of the originals to hymns in school assembly.
You believed that there was a Sgt Major in the Army who could lift two MAG's by the barrel, straight out and hold them there...
You only met a vegetarian after leaving Zim.
You bought the newspapers for Vic Mackenzie's cartoons
Your forearms and the areas between you lower thighs and mid calf are irredeemably burned brown by the sun.
You still have ties in your cupboard that are more than 4 inches wide!!!
These ties are made of crimpelene fabric!
These ties are in bright shades of red, yellow, blue or white!
You took the light globe out of the loo at a party!
You put boot polish on the seat of the loo.
You invited many ladies to this party.
You once owned an 8 track car tape player!!!
You eat cuts of meat today that were ration meat in the old days.
You are convinced that South Africans cannot make boerewors properly.
You resisted the urge to eat a barble.
You grew a beard during the bush war hoping people would think you were a scout...
You once had sideburns the size of mini-steaks.
You blame headaches etc., on flat beer you accidentally drank.
You still like to drink ouzo and cream soda occasionally!!!
You have given up looking for a good meat pie.
You cannot understand why people enjoy bungee jumping.
You think that some people should try bungee jumping with a steel cable.
You had a batman called sixpence.
You once owned a Rhogun / cobra or other bit of angle iron and steam tube that dispensed nine mils...
You miss the smell of red stoep polish.
You bore or frighten your children with harrowing tales of your deprived upbringing in the days when TV started at 17H00 and kids were expected to ride push bikes to school...
You still believe that nothing "gezas" better than blue or carbolic soap...
You have graduated to more sophisticated food than chicken in a basket at a restaurant!
You still gag at the thought of those ghastly pale yellow eggs we once used to get.
You have yet to see or taste a bigger and better avocado pear than the ones we used to get.
They do not make your clothes size (medium) as easy fitting as they used to.
You need longer arms to read the paper.
You still butter bread by holding the slice in your hand...
You once owned a BSA bantam
You wish you'd had the presence of mind to keep mum's morrie minor
You have never driven anything as pig awful as a Kudu m.p.v. in the last 15 - 20 years.
You ate supper in Vila da Manhica or Vila Perry on occasions.
You have no desire to fly in a dakota again.
You ever bought a lucky bean necklace from road side curio sellers.
You can remember the beer adverts on the tin trays the hotel waiters used...
You can remember thinking that Bengal Juice was OK.
You spat in the Coke fountain at the Bulawayo trade fair...
You have once met a guy in a bar who claimed he was in the guard force special reccie parachute battalion and spent "lank weeks" in African countries not immediately bordering Zim.
You still believe it's wrong to use bad language in mixed company
You still think of traffic lights as robots
You know the words to more than two ABBA songs
You long to hear a radio play
You HATE washing your car and mowing your lawn
You didn't see "Are You Being Served" and other British comedies until 1980
You still find it hard to throw things away when they could be fixed
You went to a school that taught real subjects like grammar and history
You know more than ten of the world's capital cities
You went to a school where instead of being "counseled", unruly students were beaten - and it worked!
You complained to your father that you were disciplined at school - only to find he thought it was a good idea.
You used to call your parents' friends "Uncle" and "Aunty"
You still light up at the sight of a flame lily
You remember seeing your first dead person - and you were under 21
You can't get your head around the idea of men wearing earrings
You used to believe that in England and the USA they must be so much better at everything that we were - until you visited those countries and found they were inhabited by ordinary people who lived ordinary lives
You can remember the "I hate Harrold" car stickers
You have driven on a strip road
You miss rusks (nobody's heard of them in Aussie)
You long for that soft morning glow that brightens the Mashonaland sky between 6am and 8am.
Really miss a great, fantastic, bed rattling, window shaking, earth tremoring, all-kids-and- animals-in-the-parents'-bed tropical storm.
You played chicken at an open intersection in Bulawayo ....AND .... you lost !!!
You took your life in your hands by driving through Bulawayo on a Saturday morning!!
You know what a 'hot area' was, and it had nothing to do with the weather!!
You crashed your car into another one, and knew the driver ... ... but were both too drunk to realize ....
You parked your car in a car park and couldn't find it again, because it was a blue Renault 4.
You shot every snake you saw even though you knew they were essential to the balance of nature.
Someone stole your car and returned it the next day, because it was a Renault 4 and they felt sorry for you (hell they were too embarrassed to be seen driving it)!
You remember he smell of rain on hot baked sand.
You remember watching the brown grass turn green after a day's rain.
Arguing that Castle was for men Lion was for kids, and pommies
You still remember Stock '84 ..... .... and wake up in the night screaming!!
You used local whiskey when your car ran out of petrol!!
You were glad your car ran out of petrol and gave you an excuse to get rid of the local whiskey!!
You put green stripes on your R4 so that you could find it in that car park!!!
You went to Beira just to eat peri peri prawns!!
You found a hundred R4s with green stripes on them!!
You drove 700 miles to Messina to buy a toaster ... ... and the darn thing didn't work when you got back to Salisbury.
You still wonder what this thing polystyrene is, you know of kaylite.
You still refer to Koki pens as Neon's.
You are convinced there is not better ice-cream than at the Eskimo Hut.
You long for the "drainage system" of bulawayo, to enjoy riding over the hills.
Muuush is still common in your vocabulary.
You remember Geoffrey Atkins on RTV and Beryl Salt and Martin Locke on RBC.
You still have Wrexx Tarr's "Chilapalapa" LP's and know the words to "Cockie Lobbin".
You brought in the New Year dancing around Boggie's clock in Gwelo and sang Christmas carols around the Municipal Baths.
You hear crickets in July and remember the December Christmas beetles.
You know or still write to someone from Marymount, Peterhouse, Chaplin, CJR, Guinea Fowl or Gwebi Agricultural College.
You saw "The Rocky Horror Picture Show" at least 3 times.
You drank Tanganda Tips tea or Preema Coffee. 8. You shopped at Truworth's, Edgar's, Meikle's or Kingston's.
You had a bush-baby as a pet.
You had an avocado, mango, guava and pawpaw tree in your garden.
You played in a sand pit and on a jungle gym.
You thought bilharzia was an incurable disease and never dipped as much as a finger in a river or lake.
You remember jacaranda trees in full bloom on Selous Ave.
You remember when a Coke or ice-lolly cost a tickie.
You miss the taste of fried bream, fished from Ngamo Dam.
You have at least one ivory, soapstone or wooden carving.
You remember Sunday afternoons at Selukwe Tea Gardens, splashing in the swimming pool, visiting the aviaries, greenhouses and monkeys.
You still remember the taste of gemsquash and melted butter, mealies and Mazoe Orange Juice.
You visited Hot Springs and in turn were visited by mice in the thatch of your hut.
You think there is no green surpassing that of the Sandawana emeralds.
You still expect to see a chongololo after an afternoon rain and call such creepie-crawlies "skelems".
You still call unidentifiable beetles "stink bugs".
Your peace-loving and respected uncle's nickname is "Induna".
You still believe your A-levels were harder than most first-year University courses today.
You still refer to an expert as a "fundi".
You still have a string of ivory or coloured African beads.
You still say "braai" instead of "barbecue" or "kopje" instead of "hill".
You will kill the next person who calls you a "when-we".
You went to Meikle's on Saturday morning for a pie chips and gravy.
You can not cook a well done steak.
You tell a story of the glory days and when you have finished, you wonder if anyone actually believed a word you said.
Supplied courtesy of
(Nick Russell) Melbourne
(with suitable amendments !)