TRAFFIC JAM BLUES AND BLOOPERS          - 8/11/2008      <--Prev : Next-->

I am sure childbirth was not as difficult as this !! Such pain, such excruciating pain, nothing could take it away except a helicopter landing on the stricken N1 from Johannesburg to Pretoria !!

A four hour long traffic jam .... It was a normal Joburg rainy morning I gather, but I should NOT have had two quick cups of tea and two cups of coffee before setting off with HeeHoo for a meeting with the Power-Of-Two in Pretoria in peak morning traffic.

I will always remember a film I saw of a fellow who was car jacked, he needed the loo so very badly but the car jacker would not allow him to stop for the pleasure !!

It obviously impacted on my sub conscious as it was all I could think of for four hours six minutes and 19 seconds !!!


I ask you, with tears in my eyes, when one needs the loo in a traffic jam where there is no where to hide ?

In Zim, we do not have traffic jams, the only traffic jam is for exactly six minutes at exactly 7.30 when the kids are being dropped off at school ..... so I have not been schooled in the gentle art of "do not drink coffee before setting off on the Highway !"

A potty perhaps ? A Guzunder ? A commode ? Maybe even a coffee cup could have sufficed I was in such a stressful state. The seat belt too was not helping, it got tighter and tighter across my abdomen with every cruel kilometre. I even thought longingly of the incredibly disgusting "comfort station" which had been at my disposal in jail !!

HeeHoo was not helping either, it was pouring with rain (piddling with rain even !!) and the sight of all that moisture pouring across the windows was adding to my unmitigated sheer agony.

Knowing we were going to be awfully late for our rendezvous, HeeHoo was streaking along, (where he could) which was not often I must say, jamming on brakes too early too compensate for the slippery roads, totally oblivious to my distress.

Distracted and frustrated he was not very receptive to suggestions as to how he should be driving, and not generally known for my tactful silences, even I was totally unable to protest, in fact I could not utter a single word I was in such distress ....

There were major roadworks taking place ... the brand new Gautrain railway line was being constructed before our very watering eyes !

Johannesburg outgrew its road systems five years ago, and the outcome has been dreadful traffic congestion all day, every day, resulting in road-raged drivers, accidents caused by impatient angry commuters, but sadly, no portaloos have been constructed along the verges.

I tried to distract myself by looking at the cars, South Africa cars are a lot smaller than the cars in the USA - that is one thing I noticed.South African cars are a lot more modern than Zimbabwe cars, I can vouch for that !! Proud I was ... of the eco -friendly population amongst which I have grown .... but even with this wonderful pride I was incapable of thinking of anything except "spending a penny" !!

I had heard of squad cars accompanying pregnant women to the maternity home and wondered with clenched teeth, if I could pull that one off, with the aid of HeeHoos pullover stuffed in the necessary area .......

The DJs on the radio show "The Rude Awakening" were droning on interminably and their lavatorial sense of humour was not doing me any good at all !!! HeeHoo was gruff and uncommunicative and not allowing me to be privy to his thoughts (oops wrong choice of words again !!)

I know the Comrades marathon runners will probably recommend their little invention called the "SheWee" but while this may well assist a marathon runner with a peculiar "inconvenient" problem it does not help with a gal "closeted " (no pun intended !!) in a vehicular crisis.

And so dear readers, who are more worldly than I .... Who travel on highways, Byways, and the like, for hour after painful hour !!

Please send in your succinct micturate answers to my next highway journey, should I ever choose to take one !!