Thinking of leaving, well think again.

      21/8/2018       Next-->

Erma Brombec once said "my second favourite household chore is ironing. My first being, hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint".

Well Emma my dear having spent the last two years cooking, cleaning and ironing, I know exactly how you feel !!

If I ever ever feel like leaving Zimbabwe and heading for "greener pastures" please someone remind me of exactly what Emma Brombeck said..... Because having been there, done that.

Trust me, there's no place like home....

There are nine golden rules for people who think leaving Zimbabwe will be a cinch.

Rule number one... be quite sure that you are wealthy enough to be able to buy lots of pairs of track shoes... cos when they get dirty you need to be able to throw them away...

Its as easy as that. Having dug the garden with favourite brother in law and he who must be obeyed, in that hideous texas clay that could be marketed as a bonding agent to keep NASA in glue, I have learnt that there is only one good place for dirty track shoes... in the trash can.

Rule number two.... it doesn't matter how magical the feel of percale sheets is... don't touch them with a barge pole.....

Ironing percale sheets is definitely like banging your head against the top bunk.... there is only one place for them, as nice as they feel against your skin...and thats in the trash can along with the track shoes.... you must make sure you buy a high poly cotton content that goes in the tumble dryer looking like new and comes out of the tumble dryer looking like new. Crease-free and fragrant...

Rule number two A... Apologise to your precious gogo every day for the years of not appreciating her magnificent sheet ironing skills.

Rule number three... no dogs !!

Oh no... Animal lovers trust me... Unless there is a new invention in the precariously near future, which will magic away doggie doo doo instantly before it hits the ground... no dogs.... big ones small ones... cats too... there is no pooper scooper in the world big enough for my Victoria Jane (who is a fabulous giant great dane and I love her dearly... but no dogs unless you stay in Zimbabwe). And if you do have a very weak moment and buy a dog, make sure it is a short haired doggie!!

Rule number four....... throw out all blankets instantly if you have to make your own bed.... Get a duvet, comforter, eiderdown, call it what you will. Preferably an all-in-one-comforter because if you buy a duvet with a duvet cover, if its a king size bed, be prepared to have to climb inside the duvet cover daily to get it nice and straight.....

Rule number five.... Never ever make a date with a workman.. plumber, electrician, builder... They all lie... they never come on time... sometimes they never come at all..... make sure that you are going to be at home for the entire week otherwise you will get majorly irritated waiting for them. If they say they will be there in an hour... take no notice..... they are inveterate liars... do not trust them or your faith in humanity will be destroyed forever.

Rule number six.... the dreaded loo... never admit responsibility for cleaning the loo...

And then make sure you have every conceivable appliance ever invented to keep the loo clean without ever having to do it yourself... there are amazing gizmos, gadgets, air fresheners, automatic loo cleaners... that will do the job for you... to a certain extent I am afraid but not the whole tootie unfortunately....

If you are thinking of going to live anywhere else in the world... start collecting plastic bags now.... they don't have a plethora of them any more like we do... gone green... I believe... so you need to take your zim plastic bags with you... one thing we have plenty of in this country it would appear.

Rule number seven.... cooking is important... but you gotta clean up afterwards... so out must go your linen tableclothes, your zebra place mats, your beautifully embroidered napkins.... get rid of your crystal... trash your best china..... its either your sanity or your wonderful elegant lifestyle that must be salvaged... its paper plates from now on.....

Ironing ... if it don't tumble dry... trash it now..... except for his shirts..... I suppose its the least you can do...

Rule number eight... Dump those hankies and break him gently into 'man' tissues. Hey have divine man tissues in R.S.A. but I have yet to find a undestroyable tissue in the USA!!

Rule nine.. remember to say thank you to gogo for all those beautifully ironed shirts and as for all those years of dedicated and loyal service.

Rule for men - don't ever leave our country unless you can afford to buy a whole container of vellies !!

Favourite brother in law always asks for vellies when we visit, the original vellie, the plain ordinary old khaki coloured vellie with the cream crepe sole. But... they will never look the same as they do here at home because there is no mealie meal with which to clean them anywhere else.

Our visitors are always bowled over when their vellies and track shoes arrive back in their bedrooms after the royal Charlie or Joyce treatment. First of all a brisk scrub with a wire brush, secondly the cheerful Charlie soap suds treatment, then the shoes are stuffed tight with newspaper (and we are very choosy about the newspapers we use believe me !!).

The final touch is a liberal sprinkling of first grade roller meal, buffed and rubbed firmly into the hide, out in the Zimbabwe sun for a couple of hours... a good brushing accompanied by a fine whistled rendition of Kosi sikelel Africa..... and hey presto - brand spanking news vellies - as only Charlie knew how.

Watchdog !!


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