I remember when I was much younger I could play tennis from 7.30 a.m. to 9.30 a.m., get home, have a quick shower, blow dry my hair and be at the TV studio, scripts typed, interviews neatly arranged, by 10.15 ......... total preening and travelling time - 45 minutes !!
But with the mounting years things have changed somewhat I am afraid !!
A. there is no TV station anymore and B. It takes me two hours to get myself ready for anything these days, let alone a stint in front of the camera !!
A quick shower is now a lot more complicated .... find glasses ... turn on taps to check if any water today, go to the borehole switch , turn it to municipal water or the hair gets full of flakey white lime !!
None of this "quick wash with Sunsilk and off we go" anymore ...now its pre-scalp conditioning, apres-scalp conditioning and four minutes of conditioner to keep said hair from looking dry and strawlike !!
Next its, (find glasses ) and lengthy application of unguents and oils especially selected from my friend Flora's Kigelia range, direct from the legendary and magical sausage tree, and guaranteed to ward off sun spots and pre cancerous cells !!
I tried one of the imported anti wrinkle creams (too late I can hear you cry !!) but it gave me more wrinkles just thinking about the cost !!
Next it is a foray to the medicine cabinet - St Johns Wort for stress (have a handful of those, need the big bottle these days !!) Then its the fish oil to rejuvenate the sagging skin (as if) and it also helps with coronary heart disease. This is imminent whenever I have to go to the supermarket and deal with those prices !!
Next a handful of calcium tablets for the osteoporosis, echinacea to ward off that bird flue that is creeping its way towards us I believe, and of course Zinc because according to Hoyle there is no zinc anywhere in Zimbabwe's soils, apart from a tiny area near Kariba !! (Wonder how they found that out, I have mental pictures of this knowledgeable person sifting his way carefully across the land !!)
Adornments next, Norma who colour-coded me once for a TV show told me to throw away anything green and never to go out without my earrings, my mascara and my under-wiring !!
Adornments are important as one gets older, wear a large pair of striking earrings and it detracts from other less sightly areas I am told !! If you have to wear a necklace, wear lots of them to cover the turkey neck !!
Sunscreen, ah yes, the sun screen, stop, must remind offspring of sunscreen... (find glasses) send SMS to all offspring all over the world reminding them to put sunscreen on neck and in Vee area !! (too late she cried !!)
Hair dos do not take time any more, gone are the days of primping and preening for telly, so a quick blow-dry thanks to excellent cut and then to make-up application !!
(Find glasses) Locate magnifying mirror, oops, put it away quickly, decide on normal mirror. Search for polyfiller, panel beating equipment, intense colour perfecter / deep concealer, non comedogenic oil free primer (yes that is exactly what it says on the bottle !!)
Spruce up eyebrows (find glasses ) Apply wrinkle banisher once more (as if ) throw on a bit of lipstick - the one that promises to contour and conceal lines and deep creases !!
Next Decision on correct attire for today, do I need running shoes Any political meetings to attend Any Women of Zimbabwe Arise meetings Any sojourns necessary down to the illegal market to procure bird food
No, no running shoes needed today, so pair of sandals will do ...uh oh...what do heels look like (find glasses ) apply liberal dose of Vaseline Intensive Care.
Hum the Vaseling intensive Care song from TV commercials jauntily for a few minutes until mind gets distracted (easily these days) Now where was I
Thank goodness most of my friends need glasses these days and are too vain to wear them, so they are unable to see all the wrinkles at any rate !! I am ready for the Fray !!
Time - one hour fifty minutes ! Cost - prohibitive !!