NOTE TO SELF!!
'This is your very last snow skiing holiday!!'
Whoever said skiing was glamorous should be made to eat their words. All those elegant photos of film stars, Will and Kate, Lady Diana and Prince Charles
Nah, there is absolutely nothing even remotely glamorous about skiing....
Anyone who skis will verify that this is probably the most painful sport that man can possibly indulge in!!
Picture the scenario Stuffing one's torso into layer upon layer of woolen or silken clothing, hauling the ski pants tautly over the top, unable to bend over ones gut to put on the prickly socks, and then still to add gloves, neck warmers, parkas and anoraks ! All laden with downy feathers!!
The altitude is an absolute hindrance, the effort of walking from the front door to the car requires a dizzying amount of strength... Crested Butte rises to 12 and a half thousand feet above sea level after all! Frozen lips, frozen breath, runny nose with icicles growing from them Glamorous
At one stage It did occur to me that most people on the piste were tall and willowy, not short, dumpy and carrying extra adipose like some of our party... and the proof was in the pudding,
AND THEN THERE ARE THE SKI BOOTS!!
Grappling round in the locker room donning those boots must be some type of Chinese torture. The boots are made of cast iron I think, frankly excruciating to get them on, and frankly worse to walk in, I know now the derivative of the word 'crampon'..
Walking in them is an art, one looks remarkably as though one has had a carrot pinioned in an intimate area!! The discomfort in walking is anguishing: agonizing pain emanates from all portions of the foot, as though there is a thumbscrew on each toe! A dolorimeter would render maximum possible pain at all times.
The ski runs are supposedly divided into Green runs for Beginners, Blue runs for Intermediate and Double Black Diamonds for Hot Shot skiers. Well they lie trust me!! With misleading names like Poverty Gulch and Gunsight Pass, beginners beware!! It was only the lure of the 'Ice Bar' and the 'Umbrella Bar' that cajoled me to attempt the slopes at any rate!!
I did look the part I must say with my peacock colored goggles, my turquoise ski jacket and my fluorescent pink neck warmer!!
The family had no trouble spotting me on the slopes. 'A' because I looked like a peacock with tail fanned and 'B' by the immense speed with which I moved !! ( )
Now I wasn't the oldest person on the slopes, but I was definitely the person in the most pain. Due to absolute terror, I was unable to work the slopes to my own advantage, so I had to make a large 'wedge' with my skis from top to bottom of the mountain. Now THAT involves a lot of anguish to the muscles in the legs, anyone who knows skiing will tell you so!!
Fortunately the family had a marvelous time ! HeeHoo managed to obtain the biggest most majestic bruise on his thigh that I have ever seen, Kamakasi Dave was seen and heard tearing up the powder, Alex and Josie skied with great style and The Girlies were skiing like veterans after one day!!
That aside Crested Butte is by far the most fantastic ski resort I have ever been to. The Apres Ski was glorious, the gluhwein, hot chocolate and truffle fries were delicious and the scenery was breathtaking.
Viva Crested Butte Mountain!!
Not sure who wrote this but hope they don't mind if I use it
You know it's hot in Afrtica when......
1) The best parking spot is determined by shade, not distance
2) Hot water comes out of both taps
3) You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron
4) The temperature drops below 32 degrees C and you feel chilly
5) You know that in January and February it only takes two fingers to steer a car
6) You discover you can get sunburnt through your windscreen (oh yes!!!)
7) You develop a fear of metal door handles
8) You break into a sweat the instant you step outside at 7am
9) Your biggest bicycle accident fear is "What if I get knocked over and end up lying on the road, getting cooked "
10) You realise that asphalt has a liquid state
11) Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to prevent them from laying hard boiled eggs
12) The trees are whistling for dogs
13) While walking back barefoot to your car from any event, you do a tightrope act on the white lines in the car park
14) You catch a cold from having the aircon on full blast all night long
15) You realise that Shopping Centres aren't just Shopping Centres - they are temples where we worship Air Conditioning
16) Sticking your head in the freezer and taking deep breaths is considered normal
17) A cup full of ice is considered a great snack
18) A black out is-life threatening because your aircon and your fans no longer work.
19) No one cares if you walk around with no shoes on
20) You keep everything in the fridge, including potatoes, bread and clothing
21) People have enough left over beer cans to make a boat and compete in a regatta.
22) The effort of toweling yourself off after a shower means you need another shower right away.
23) You will wait patiently until the day it starts raining to go on a run.
24) You worry your ceiling fan is spinning so fast it will fly off and kill you
25) You laugh because this list is so accurate