Equine Bliss Once Again!         17th August 2004      <--Prev : >Next-->

IT'S TAKEN ME ALL OF THIRTY SOMETHING YEARS TO GET BACK ONTO THE BACK OF A HORSE !!
MY TEENAGE YEARS INVOLVED NOTHING BUT HORSES, I ATE, SLEPT AND BREATHED HORSES, HORSES, HORSES AND NOTHING BUT HORSES FOR SIX YEARS OF SUBLIME BLISS, BUT A SLIGHT CONFRONTATION WITH SOMETHING ROCK HARD MADE SURE THAT MY HORSEY DAYS STOPPED FOR SOME CONSIDERABLE TIME.
BUT NOW, THANKS TO A CHANCE MEETING WITH A SOMEWHAT UNUSUAL GAL CALLED ANN, I AM HAPPY TO SAY I HAVE BRAVED THE BACK OF A HORSE ONCE AGAIN....
MIND YOU, IT HASN'T BEEN EASY, YOU TRY PUTTING A 21 YEAR OLD SPIRIT WITH THE COURAGE OF A KNAT AND A MORE THAN AMPLE REAR END, ONTO A PAIR OF NINETY YEAR OLD KNEES !!!
IN FACT IT'S A RECIPE FOR DISASTER !!

ANN WAS VERY SWEET AND PATIENT ON OUR FIRST HACK AROUND BURNSIDE. IT WASN'T HER FAULT THAT SHE DID NOT TELL ME THE TRUTH ABOUT THE HORSE I WAS TO RIDE. AFTER ALL, SHE PROBABLY DOESN'T KNOW HOW INTIMIDATING HE REALLY IS BECAUSE SHE SEES HIM EVERY DAY AND HAS GOTTEN USED TO HIM.... AND THE FACT THAT HIS NAME WAS 'MOUNTAIN" PROBABLY MEANT NOTHING TO HER.....
AND A MOUNTAIN HE WAS TOO ... ALL SEVENTEEN HANDS OF HIM..... HIS NAME COULD HAVE BEEN 'RAGING FURY' OR 'PLUNGING DEATH" .... IT MADE NO DIFFERENCE TO ME !!
TERRIFIED, GORGONISED, PETRIFIED !!
CRAVEN, LILY LIVERED ... YOU NAME IT... IF IT MEANT UNEQUIVOCALLY SCARED ... THAT WAS ME !!
BUT DEAR SWEET ANN WAS OBLIVIOUS TO MY PREDICAMENT, EVEN THE LITTLE PUDDLE OF WATER APPEARING AROUND MY BOOTS WAS LOST ON HER !!!
FORTUNATELY THERE WAS A MOUNTING BLOCK WHICH MEANT I COULD ASCEND THIS MOUNTAINOUS MOUND OF EQUINE FLESH WITH SOME DEGREE OF DIGNITY. ANYONE OF MY ADVANCED YEARS KNOWS THE NEED TO MAINTAIN ONE'S DECORUM AT ALL COSTS. ONCE ASTRIDE THOUGH, ALL DIGNITY LEFT ME, THIS BUCKING BRONCO WAS SO WIDE THAT MY LADYLIKE POSITION UPON HIS VAST BACK WAS SUDDENLY VERY "UNLADYLIKE" IN FACT THE TERM "SPLITTING ONES KIPPER" CAME TO MIND !!!

IT TOOK ME AT LEAST TWENTY MINUTES ON MOUNTAIN'S BACK BEFORE I COULD UTTER A SENSIBLE SOUND, SOMETHING OTHER THAN A SHRILL SQUEAK OR A GUTTURAL GRUNT.
MY THIGHS WERE IN A STATE OF ENFORCED RIGIDITY, MY KNEES WERE CREAKING AND GROANING WITH THE EFFORT NEEDED TO PREVENT ME FROM BEING JETTISONED FROM THE BACK OF THIS MOUNTAINOUS UNGULATE. MY BUTT WAS QUIVERING GELATINOUSLY AS WE 'POSTED' MERRILY ALONG THE BRIDLE PATH.
COME ALONG SAYS ANN, (WHO SPENDS EVERY WAKING HOUR ON HORSEBACK) LETS CANTER ALONG THIS PATH.....
SITTING LIKE A ' TOM TIT ON A ROUND OF BEEF " (AS MY OLD RIDING INSTRUCTOR LIONEL ARCHELL USED TO SAY) I GASPED IN ABJECT HORROR. WE HAD ONLY JUST MASTERED THE ART OF TROTTING AND SHE WANTED TO CANTER !!!
SPITTLE CREEPING FROM THE CORNER OF MY CLENCHED TEETH, I CLOSED MY EYES, PUT A TAD OF PRESSURE ON MOUNTAIN'S GARGANTUAN SIDES, AND HE BROKE FORTH INTO INSTANTANEOUS FULL THROTTLE.
ALL THAT WAS LEFT WAS PRAYER... IF I WAS GOING TO DIE THAT DAY, LET ME DO IT GRACEFULLY AND SWIFTLY..... THIS WAS IT.... I WOULD UNDOUBTEDLY TO COME TO MY STICKY END AFTER A FALL FROM THIS IMMENSE HEIGHT.....
BUT THEN I OPENED MY ONE EYE SLIGHTLY AND WAS MOST RELIEVED TO FIND THAT I WAS STILL ALIVE... ALIVE AND WELL AND CANTERING QUITE SEDATELY IN FACT, ALONG A COUNTRY PATH....

THANK YOU ANN.... MY DESIRE TO BE BACK ON HORSE BACK HAS BEEN A WONDERFUL EXPERIENCE IN YOUR CAPABLE HANDS.