HOW TO KILL YOUR HUSBAND
- 23/ 1/ 2005 <--Prev : Next-->
Here we are, nearly at the end of January and I have already broken
all my New Year Resolutions but I take comfort in that statistics show
that 12% of those who make resolutions actually keep them.
The custom of making New Yea Resolutions has been called " the most
dishonest practice in Western civilization"
The Top 10 Most Common New Year Resolutions apparently are
1. Lose weight
2. Stop smoking
3. Stick to a budget
4. Save or earn more money
5. Find a better job
6. Become more organized
7. Exercise more
8. Be more patient at work/with others
9. Eat better
10. Become a better person
My list included a number of those above but two of mine not listed here were Not to be identified as a Blogger and not to kill my husband !
Now a blog is basically a journal that is available on the web. The activity of updating a blog is "blogging" and someone who keeps a blog is a "blogger."
Blogs are typically updated daily using software that allows people with little or no technical background to update and maintain the blog. Postings on a blog are almost always arranged in chronological order with the most recent additions featured most prominently.
Lets look at some of the musings from "The Worlds Dullest Blog" - (apart from Morning Mirror that is !!
"My knee had a slight itch. I reached out my hand and scratched the knee in question. The itch was relieved and I was able to continue with my activities."
" I had several pieces of paper in front of me. I looked at one of them for a few moments, then put it aside. Having done so I picked up another piece and looked at it for a while."
See why I refuse to blog !!
But getting back to resolutions, not everyone's Resolutions revolves around weight and exercise you will be glad t know.
My list included some very idealistic issues
"enjoy each day as it it is a gift"
"do at least one thing I have never done before"
"resolve never to become a blog"
"Treasure every single moment, awful and beautiful alike."
"to help make the world a better place than it was last year."
But top of my list was not to "Whip up dishes for Heehoo to die for." !
Yes, it all happened after I read a book by one Ronnie Whitaker called "How to Kill Your Husband" It is a clever little tome , a wicked little book indeed, filled with ways to commit the perfect murder, or at least, to inflict some intense suffering.
After 25 years of wedded bliss, upon reading Ronnie's book, I realised that I was inadvertently heading towards becoming a rich widow !! For 25 years Charlie and I have been killing HeeHoo with kindness.....
Now Charlie is our revered major domo cum chef of some thirty years. His chocolate cakes are legendary. His spagbol would win awards worldwide. His oxtail knocks Jane McDermott's into a cocked hat, his macaroni cheese would earn him the position of Chief Chef in any renowned Macaroni Grill in Texas ......
His peri peri sauce liberally layered on a delicious fatty Petite Poisson has the ability to leave one slavering and salivating in a most indelicate manner.
And as I furtively perused through Ronnie's book, I realised that I was guilty , very guilty of quite innocently murdering my dearly beloved husband.
Ronnie's suggestions include "gout as a pre-death wish " and "hints for heart fatales", " how to mess with the mind of a drunk" and Ronnie also prints with glee - 38 recipes to raise cholesterol levels, alongside menus that will bring on and inflame gout. The author boasts that she managed to induce gout, essentially a disease of middle age, in her first ex at age 30.
The beauty of The Plan is that the unsuspecting spouse will thank you for your loving trouble as your prepare his painful exit via loads of cream, cheese, butter, red meat and other artery- unfriendly delights.
Note especially the recipe for Healthy Mangoes, Ha Ha (mango, marscapone and liqueur topped with whipped cream, for when you suspect there may not have been enough fat in a meal), Death by Cholesterol (this concoction, invented by a sympathetic hairdresser, involves marscapone, chocolate, eight eggs, double thick cream and other things I won't mention for fear of arrest as an accomplice), and tips to make Oxtail in Red Wine utterly lethal.
So you see, after reading this little treasure, I decided that I did not after all wish to become a Rich Widow, and so my number one New Year resolution, much to the horror of Heehoo, is to keep him fit, cut out all dairy products, hot sauces, delicious greasy delights, red meat of any sort, and to make sure that I keep him safe from the scourges of rich food (for at least the first month of the year !!)
