I HATE DR ATKINS !!
- 24/4/2005 <--Prev : Next-->
I HATE DR ATKINS !!
If I open that packet .... all will be lost ...
It's rather like an avalanche, one tiny intrusion in the snowmass and
the whole thing falls down on top of you. !!
And so I have to keep the packet of coconut marshmallows tightly sealed
!! If I eat just one tiny block, the whole packet will go tumbling into
my mouth I just know it...
It all started when we first decided to go on the "Houseboat"....
Heehoo and I needed to lose substantial kilos of adipose tissue before
exposing our semi-naked bodies to the unsuspecting populace around the
And so Doctor Atkins was called in to assist. Now the Atkins diet is
most generous ... if you are a vile red-blooded meat eater !!
You can eat as much as you like of anything .... as long as it beats,
throbs or hangs !!
Meat, fish, cheese, eggs galore, in vast quantities, and teensy weensy
amounts of certain dull and uninteresting veggies like eggplant,
mushrooms, cucumber and lettuce !!
Its actually not a bad diet as long as you are not a vegetarian, and it
certainly sheds the kilos ... and so we inched closer and closer to our
desired goals. Heehoo did much better than I did cos I have absolutely
no will power and he is well known to be a formidable force under
Alas alack, while he unflinchingly munched his way through egg, bacon,
steak and cheese, I merrily carried on with my life of coffee mornings
and bridge foursomes, (all the while joining him religiously and
meticulously on diet days,) but guzzling wine, chips, nuts and cucumber
sambos during my time while he was safely ensconced at work !!
And so we emerged on the deck of the houseboat, his torso was
noticeably six-packish ..... and mine ? Well luckily I am a master of
disguise !! (Bit difficult in a swimsuit, but after lengthy
consultations with my dressmaker, I darned the hole in the knee of
Mum's old black and white striped swimsuit and sallied forth
unashamedly to sunbathe.)
(Black is a very forgiving colour !!)
Oh boy, we knocked "em into a cocked hat on the deck of the houseboat
with our new elegantly slender bodies !! As fast as the master chef
coerced us into eating a magnificent fayre of everything and anything
most "un-atkins" nothing daunted we swigged, swilled and swaggered
around that little tub knowing that we were invincible dieters and all
would be lost once again on our return to the Land of Our Birth !!
But all good things have to come to an end, and after many glorious
days of wining and dining on the Houseboat we returned home just in
time to VOTE !!
Now I absolutely love elections !! I am an election addict. Especially
Zimbabwe elections, they are so predictable !! You queue, you stick
your pinky into indelible ink, you flourish that pinky like a badge of
honour, and then you sit and wait for the count !!
Of course you will lose the election ... silly ... everyone knows that
elections are never WON in Africa...
You cry foul ... you berate yourself ... you pound your chest in
anguish ... you write to all the people/newspapers/radio stations /
government officials you know worldwide ...
Nothing changes ... same old story... the corrupt politics of Africa
prevail .... BUT ...
I don't need Dr Atkins to help me lose weight .. I just need a good
old fashioned Zimbabwe Election ...
Now if our Government put the same amount of brilliance into running
the country ... as they do in master minding an election ... my
goodness we would be a force to be reckoned with !!
GIVE ME AN ELECTION ANYDAY .... YIPPEEE - YOU LOSE WEIGHT COS YOU WORRY
YOURSELF STUPID !!
But .. oh oh ... just when one feels like consoling one's self with
vast quantities of chocolate, jelly babies and wine, Heehoo summarily
summons Sheehoo to the kitchen.!!
Dr Atkins was taken from the bookshelf yet again, and page 43 was
photocopied with stern warnings !!
"LOSE IT OR LOSE OUT !!" in his stern, unmistakable, dictatorial tone
Woe is me .... no more chocolate no more jelly babies and no more
coconut marshmallows. ...sob ....back to protein, protein and more
I dare not open that packet of marsheys in the fridge cos he has his
eagle eye on it I know he does.
BUT No problem ... this is Africa ...just have to (snigger) "make a
plan " !!