I HATE DR ATKINS !!          - 24/4/2005      <--Prev : Next-->



I HATE DR ATKINS !!

If I open that packet .... all will be lost ...

It's rather like an avalanche, one tiny intrusion in the snowmass and the whole thing falls down on top of you. !!

And so I have to keep the packet of coconut marshmallows tightly sealed !! If I eat just one tiny block, the whole packet will go tumbling into my mouth I just know it...

It all started when we first decided to go on the "Houseboat".... Heehoo and I needed to lose substantial kilos of adipose tissue before exposing our semi-naked bodies to the unsuspecting populace around the pool.

And so Doctor Atkins was called in to assist. Now the Atkins diet is most generous ... if you are a vile red-blooded meat eater !!

You can eat as much as you like of anything .... as long as it beats, throbs or hangs !!

Meat, fish, cheese, eggs galore, in vast quantities, and teensy weensy amounts of certain dull and uninteresting veggies like eggplant, mushrooms, cucumber and lettuce !!

Its actually not a bad diet as long as you are not a vegetarian, and it certainly sheds the kilos ... and so we inched closer and closer to our desired goals. Heehoo did much better than I did cos I have absolutely no will power and he is well known to be a formidable force under pressure.

Alas alack, while he unflinchingly munched his way through egg, bacon, steak and cheese, I merrily carried on with my life of coffee mornings and bridge foursomes, (all the while joining him religiously and meticulously on diet days,) but guzzling wine, chips, nuts and cucumber sambos during my time while he was safely ensconced at work !!

And so we emerged on the deck of the houseboat, his torso was noticeably six-packish ..... and mine ? Well luckily I am a master of disguise !! (Bit difficult in a swimsuit, but after lengthy consultations with my dressmaker, I darned the hole in the knee of Mum's old black and white striped swimsuit and sallied forth unashamedly to sunbathe.)

(Black is a very forgiving colour !!)

Oh boy, we knocked "em into a cocked hat on the deck of the houseboat with our new elegantly slender bodies !! As fast as the master chef coerced us into eating a magnificent fayre of everything and anything most "un-atkins" nothing daunted we swigged, swilled and swaggered around that little tub knowing that we were invincible dieters and all would be lost once again on our return to the Land of Our Birth !!

But all good things have to come to an end, and after many glorious days of wining and dining on the Houseboat we returned home just in time to VOTE !!

Now I absolutely love elections !! I am an election addict. Especially Zimbabwe elections, they are so predictable !! You queue, you stick your pinky into indelible ink, you flourish that pinky like a badge of honour, and then you sit and wait for the count !!

Of course you will lose the election ... silly ... everyone knows that elections are never WON in Africa...

You cry foul ... you berate yourself ... you pound your chest in anguish ... you write to all the people/newspapers/radio stations / government officials you know worldwide ...

Nothing changes ... same old story... the corrupt politics of Africa prevail .... BUT ... I don't need Dr Atkins to help me lose weight .. I just need a good old fashioned Zimbabwe Election ...

Now if our Government put the same amount of brilliance into running the country ... as they do in master minding an election ... my goodness we would be a force to be reckoned with !!

GIVE ME AN ELECTION ANYDAY .... YIPPEEE - YOU LOSE WEIGHT COS YOU WORRY YOURSELF STUPID !!

But .. oh oh ... just when one feels like consoling one's self with vast quantities of chocolate, jelly babies and wine, Heehoo summarily summons Sheehoo to the kitchen.!!

Dr Atkins was taken from the bookshelf yet again, and page 43 was photocopied with stern warnings !!

"LOSE IT OR LOSE OUT !!" in his stern, unmistakable, dictatorial tone !!

Woe is me .... no more chocolate no more jelly babies and no more coconut marshmallows. ...sob ....back to protein, protein and more protein .... I dare not open that packet of marsheys in the fridge cos he has his eagle eye on it I know he does.

BUT No problem ... this is Africa ...just have to (snigger) "make a plan " !!

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