TRAFFIC JAM BLUES AND BLOOPERS
- 8/11/2008 <--Prev : Next-->
I am sure childbirth was not as difficult as this !! Such pain, such excruciating pain,
nothing could take it away except a helicopter landing on the stricken N1 from
Johannesburg to Pretoria !!
A four hour long traffic jam .... It was a normal Joburg rainy morning I gather, but I should
NOT have had two quick cups of tea and two cups of coffee before setting off with HeeHoo
for a meeting with the Power-Of-Two in Pretoria in peak morning traffic.
I will always remember a film I saw of a fellow who was car jacked, he needed the loo so
very badly but the car jacker would not allow him to stop for the pleasure !!
It obviously impacted on my sub conscious as it was all I could think of for four hours six
minutes and 19 seconds !!!
WHAT DOES ONE DO !!??
I ask you, with tears in my eyes, when one needs the loo in a traffic jam where there is no
where to hide ?
In Zim, we do not have traffic jams, the only traffic jam is for exactly six minutes at exactly
7.30 when the kids are being dropped off at school ..... so I have not been schooled in the
gentle art of "do not drink coffee before setting off on the Highway !"
A potty perhaps ? A Guzunder ? A commode ? Maybe even a coffee cup could have sufficed
I was in such a stressful state. The seat belt too was not helping, it got tighter and tighter
across my abdomen with every cruel kilometre. I even thought longingly of the incredibly
disgusting "comfort station" which had been at my disposal in jail !!
HeeHoo was not helping either, it was pouring with rain (piddling with rain even !!) and the
sight of all that moisture pouring across the windows was adding to my unmitigated sheer
Knowing we were going to be awfully late for our rendezvous, HeeHoo was streaking
along, (where he could) which was not often I must say, jamming on brakes too early too
compensate for the slippery roads, totally oblivious to my distress.
Distracted and frustrated he was not very receptive to suggestions as to how he should be
driving, and not generally known for my tactful silences, even I was totally unable to
protest, in fact I could not utter a single word I was in such distress ....
There were major roadworks taking place ... the brand new Gautrain railway line was being
constructed before our very watering eyes !
Johannesburg outgrew its road systems five years ago, and the outcome has been
dreadful traffic congestion all day, every day, resulting in road-raged drivers, accidents
caused by impatient angry commuters, but sadly, no portaloos have been constructed
along the verges.
I tried to distract myself by looking at the cars, South Africa cars are a lot smaller than the
cars in the USA - that is one thing I noticed.South African cars are a lot more modern than
Zimbabwe cars, I can vouch for that !! Proud I was ... of the eco -friendly population
amongst which I have grown .... but even with this wonderful pride I was incapable of
thinking of anything except "spending a penny" !!
I had heard of squad cars accompanying pregnant women to the maternity home and
wondered with clenched teeth, if I could pull that one off, with the aid of HeeHoos
pullover stuffed in the necessary area .......
The DJs on the radio show "The Rude Awakening" were droning on interminably and their
lavatorial sense of humour was not doing me any good at all !!! HeeHoo was gruff and
uncommunicative and not allowing me to be privy to his thoughts (oops wrong choice of
words again !!)
I know the Comrades marathon runners will probably recommend their little invention
called the "SheWee" but while this may well assist a marathon runner with a peculiar
"inconvenient" problem it does not help with a gal "closeted " (no pun intended !!) in a
And so dear readers, who are more worldly than I .... Who travel on highways, Byways, and
the like, for hour after painful hour !!
Please send in your succinct micturate answers to my next highway journey, should I ever
choose to take one !!