The ancient art of Yoga is supposed to improve your mental and physical well being, help you to achieve greater flexibility and access new levels of energy and power, well my Brother in Law David defies every single one of the above.
The Yogabenders Class at the health and Athletic Club in Lewisville which is east of Dallas, Texas, is one of the most popular classes. The yoga instructor's name oddly enough is Jasmine Luck !! Jasmine is reed slim, with a most delicate and attractive face and the most melodious voice that one could ever imagine.
Walk into the plush carpeted studio, vanilla scented incense burns in the corner, the room is cozy with an warm ambient temperature, low lights flicker gently, throwing soft shadows across the mirrored wall.
Tender sweet New Age music floats through the atmosphere, a magnificent classical harpist serenades as you sit cross legged on your yoga mat, gently swaying your upper body and your neck, ridding yourself of all the day's tension, letting your mind float away on a serene trip to cloud cuckooland.
Jasmin's melodious voice gently leads you into more exotic movements, like Child's Pose, The Swan, Mountain Pose, Downward facing Dog, all manner of poses that stretch one's screaming muscles and ease one's aching bones.
One's mind can wander off into mysterious climes, everything is peaceful and calm (except for the laboured breathing of Brother In Law David).
Jasmin's soft voice coaxes you further into your stretch, your tensions start to melt away, all you can hear is the sound of Georgia Kelly classical harpist, and then out of the blue - like a rifle shot - Brother In Law David's knee joints crack in staccato succession.
A few of the ladies lose their balance in fright, but Jasmin gathers her Yogabenders together mellifluously and calm is restored instantly.
And then suddenly, just as you are meditating happily, eyes closed, in the tree pose which takes an inordinate amount of concentration and balance....CRASH........BANG.......David falls over so everyone falls over, startled out of their wonderful repose....Brother In law David is having a dysfunctional moment !!
Everyone's eyes open in horror to the sight of him, legs sticking out at all angles, sweat pouring off his brow, haplessly tangling with the Aspidistra that was minding it's own business in the corner.
We all pull ourselves together and focus on our Heart Chakras to regain our composure but by now Brother In law David is on a Self Destruction Mission.
Red faced and blushing, sweating in a most unseemly fashion , but undaunted, he creaks and groans his way through the Sideways Plank, The Cobra Pose and the Killer Wheel, while the more genteel of the yogabenders endeavour to avoid him stoically, eyes shut, praying for peace and serenity. Others in the group are now smirking in distracted glee at his gyrating antics.
Brother In Law David is now praying that the floor will open up and swallow him, but gentle Jasmin collects everybody together again forcibly, and leads us into the dreaded Crow Pose.
By now Brother In Law David is a total buffoon, his legs will not cooperate with his body, he is shaking, sweating, bones are creaking, joints are snapping, huffing and puffing he hauls his exhausted body up onto his strong forearms and does a magnificent but unintentional double somersault backwards once more into the hapless aspidistra.
At this stage in the proceedings he had invented his own Yoga Pose, it was a cross between a Samango Monkey Pose and a Dromedary Camel Pose, no doubt he could have patented it and sold it to some of Yoga's finest and most progressive Gurus.
By now the Yogabenders have totally lost all semblance of serenity, tears of mirth are pouring down most cheeks, Jasmin has lost control of her class and Disruptive David disentangles himself from the plant, wipes his brow and decides that he needs to tap his unseen energy sources in the kickboxing class which is a lot more forgiving that the serene Yogabenders Class.