Our bookshelves are filled with diet and health books.
The Complete Doctor Scarsdale's medical Diet, Dr Tarnower's Lifetime keep Slim Programme, , Dr Atkin's Diet Revolution, The Drinking Mans Diet, Fit for Life, Living Health, The Beverley Hills Diet, Adelle Davis lets eat Right to Keep Fit, the Mayo Clinic Diet, The Air Hostesses Diet, and on and on ad nauseum........
And what has this collection of muscle bound tomes done to us? I ask with tears in my eyes? Absolutely zilch !!!
Here we are, the two of us, years and years past the Seven Year Itch, well past our Mid Life Crisis, bordering on Senility and we still have these excess kilos that we had since thirty somethings !!!
It just proves that dieting is a total waste of time. I mean every Monday we remind ourselves that "today is the first day of the rest of our lives".
Every Monday we stand on the scale, carefully adjust the balance to exactly ZERO, then we sally forth, diet sheet in hand, glass of skimmed milk and peeled banana (Fit for Life) or Austrian Souffle with Breakfast sausage (Dr Atkin's ) or half a grapefruit and 1 slice protein bread toasted (Dr Scarsdale) or 6 oz pineapple (Beverley Hills) or 1 slice toast and 1 poached egg (Heart Foundation ).
Today is the the first day of our diet and we are feeling GREAT !!!
By lunch time we are frantically reading recipe books, but we struggle through a half a can of tuna on dry toast with black coffee, by suppertime we are grumpy, irritable, scratchy and horrible.
By ten p.m. we have snuck into the kitchen in search of hidden chocolate and by Tuesday morning we are planning dinner at Massimos on Wednesday when Charlie has his afternoon off !!
But HOORAY - by Thursday we have a new diet to look forward to, (which of course will will only start on Monday ) the Worlds Number One Best Seller - "The Carbohydrates Addict Diet" which forbids the combining of protein and carbohydrates !!
Eureka!!! This is the one, of course, it is all so simple. It's academic my dear friend.
"Never" says the Carbo Addict Diet books says "eat meat with potatoes" Or cheese with bread". It categorically states, that for 99% of man's history, we have been eating protein separately from carbohydrates. !!
I can accept this. After all when a Stone Age Man dragged home a carcass you can be sure Mummy did not rush off and whip up some Yorkshire Pud or cauliflower au gratin ! No siree, when Glug dumped that carcass on the cave floor the family would have fallen upon it, shoving raw meat down their throats. They probably shouted at each other, burped a lot and wiped their mouths with the back of their hands !!
But never would they have mixed meat and veg.
On the other hand, for those long weeks when Glug found no meat for his family, they would probably have lived happily on berries , leaves and roots.
So, one would deduce, it has only been in the past few generations that humans have mixed the two and pigged out in Italian Restaurants !!
And while our stomaches are coping with it, rather well in fact, too well for sure, it does not mean it's good for us. !!
BUT - you try eating spag without the bol, the snorkers without the mash, the curry without the rice - IT"S WELL NIGH IMPOSSIBLE !!
Mondays are stern days in our house, but after all -
We are the masters of our own fate !!
We are the Captains of our Stomaches !!
The enzymes are screaming !!
The salivary glands are marching !!
For Pete's sake, what exactly is wrong with a toasted ham sandwich or a hamburger and chips ?
What could be better than garlic snails eaten with brown bread fingers ?
Sigh ! Its Monday, so it's spinach with poached egg again !! But I know that I am going to lose weight THIS TIME !!